Space

I once said that

* school will be good for hatice since she will have her own space away from her anne, baba n baddin to grow n develop*

..not the exact words...but close enough..Today, i have just realized that it works both ways too for baddin..

All these time...eversince he was born, hatice has played an important role in his life..*abla* is always there...today i have just realised that perhaps he felt overshadowed by hatice... hatice can do this...hatice can do that... n there he was... n perhaps is.. stuggling to match his sister's standard..n never getting there... Hence, he cowed inside...not really being able to build his self confidence.....For one week he is with me alone at home..despite the loneliness he feels inside, i think he is slowly trying to be self reliant... With abla around, he never even tried to for example clean after himself (big n small project)...saying *ben yapamam* (i cant) everytime i asked him to... now that he is alone.. he has become more receptive... listening intently to my instructions that for the last 2 days he is cleaning after himself after each toilet..A week ago he very very rarely bothered to hold a pen or a pencil... now that he is alone, every morning without fail, he will hold a pen n try to write something.....his writing should not be compared to hatice's of course ... he is experimenting with lines...but he is getting better each day.. n i sense that hatice's absence is a motivating factor in this....there is no abla to compare to... at least at the moment of his writing.....perhaps inferiority complex steps in when there is someone else other than his anne..?

Anyway, he has a year to build his self confidence.. n i have a year to play my role in training him in a lot of things that i did not...i feel guilty coz i feel that i am not doing enough for him n her even... i know i should have do this n that ..sometimes i did sometimes i dont.....i am not a consistent mother...does that make me a bad mother?... what defines a bad mom? i dunno... All i know is that with only baddin at home...just the two of us.. i find myself being able to concentrate more on baddin n his self development...i just hope that by next year... he will be *ok* to enter his pre school education in a more confident way...a more confident self..

i notice too that the fact that he started to speak quite late does affect his confidence..i cant teach him turkish.. my turkish is not good...hatice comes home around 5pm..halil around 7pm.. i have to rely on them for language..For now, i am slowly excellerating his english.....soo many things to do..so many....

A Space....i think we all need it.. we need space to develop ourselves at our own pace.. not having anyone to overshadow or push us..we need space to think on what to do.. we need space to develop the ineer strength that we have within us.. we need space to collect what needs to be collected...To have a space is good but too much space will lead to laziness...so that will be bad...a space once in a while is a good space...

Anyway, wish me luck......Look at me.. my daughter will be 6 in february n i still have got lots to learn about parenting... But then that is about life isnt it? Learning never end..it is a continuous effort ..at times learnt from past mistakes... To learn from the mistakes... n trying to be a better person from the mistakes is what makes a better person... n i... am a mother of two.. still trying n learning to be a good mom...a good wife... a good sister... a good daughter.... i am still learning..

Thank You for hopping by..Hope to see U again next time....